So here’s the deal. I see that a lot of people find this site looking for information on Neteller, and how to get your money from Neteller, and if you’re fucked because Neteller has your money, and neteller withdrawal problems and all those other search terms. So lemme boil it down for you.

1) If you still have money in Neteller, it’s safe. Like the kinda buried in your backyard in a Mason jar like a toothless hillbilly safe. You may as well forget where you buried the jar, because you can’t get to in right now, but eventually you will. Neteller is not going to steal your money. Eventually they will figure out a way to get your money to you.

2) If you have a withdrawal in your Neteller account marked “pending,” you’re fucked. You’re fucked like a coed after winning the Florida Crisco Twister Championships for 2006. You’re fucked like the girl in the donkey show in Tijuana that you always thought was a myth. Plan on walking bowlegged for a while, because the US gubmint has done took yo’ money. You might be able to get it back someday, but I might slip on a tutu and dance fucking Swan Lake first.

3) If you’ve got cash on poker sites that you deposited via Neteller, you’re at the mercy of the sites. You might be able to cash out, you might not. You might find someone willing to Paypal you real money in exchange for the play money you have on the site, but don’t bet the farm on their trustworthiness. You might also just be fucked.

I hope this clears up some confusion.